Cover Letter of the Century

I was browsing around trying to find how to write a proper winning cover letter and bumped into this hilarious one. 

Read on, and tell me truly, would you hire her if you were the hiring manager?

Dear ___,

As soon as I saw your posting for a ____, I knew it was the perfect position for me – and that I was the perfect solution for you. Let me explain further:

As you will see from the attached resume, I’ve worn a lot of different hats. As a freelancer I’ve run the marketing gamut. From e-blasts, public relations and web marketing to copywriting, video and print production, you name it, I’ve done it. I’m extremely motivated, organized and disciplined – you have to be to work from home – and, it’s important to note, never had a dissatisfied client.

While my official title at ____ was Project Management Coordinator, in reality I was known as the person who could do everything. Hats I wore there included copywriter, researcher extraordinaire, PowerPoint & Word guru and my favorite – She Who Must Be Obeyed (earned for riding herd on the account executives and graphics geniuses). We were a small company where everyone had to pitch in, and I thrived on the excitement of being involved at every level of every project.

No matter where I’ve been, I’ve produced topnotch work because I’m dedicated to making sure each and every piece stands out from the crowd. Whether it’s promotional work for external clients or internal corporate leave behinds, I pride myself on my ability to recognize and articulate a distinct voice for every project. And that’s not always restricted to the written word. I’ve also designed and produced unique promotional giveaways for various clients.

While writing is my passion, project management is my bread and butter. Keeping on top of projects and making sure all parts get to the finish line at the same time is one thing I do best. The ability to juggle projects and never missing a deadline didn’t just develop through my professional experience. It also comes from having three kids in four years – all with very different personalities, activities, schedules and demands. It was adapt or die trying. I’ve learned to budget my time and my assets, and most importantly, I’ve learned to be flexible and to get things done.

I know what you’re thinking – that yes, I am the perfect person for the job, but there is no way you can afford me. But I’m not in it for the money – well, I am, but it isn’t the most important thing. I’m looking for a position where my contributions count and my efforts are appreciated – and hopefully a long-term commitment. Benefits such as a short commute and flexibility mean just as much as salary to me. The fact that you’re ten minutes from my house is a big plus – and you’ll never have to worry that I’ll be late! So let’s talk soon.

Sincerely,

Rebecca Zultowski