Insane Ancient Medical Cures - FEMALE HYSTERIA

I'm back people.....to make y'all laugh with some real weird ancient medical cures. starting with......



FEMALE HYSTERIA
                                         

Women and their mood swings, right guys? Right? You know what we're saying. Now, if you happen to be female don't be offended, there's no shame in admitting to the occasional bit of moodiness as according to 19th century doctors it's a symptom of a deadly serious medical condition (along with other symptoms such as nervousness, irritability and the dreaded "tendency to cause trouble"). That's right ladies, you may be a victim of female hysteria and not even know it.

So, how exactly do you cure a so-called "condition" that coincidentally was diagnosed almost entirely to women who dared disobey their Victorian husbands? Glad you asked. The prescription for female hysteria was usually a good spot of doctor administered vaginal massage until the woman achieved "hysterical paroxysm."

 

Yes that's right, the cure for female hysteria was a doctor's hand down your bloomers until you weren't only thinking of England but screaming its name. Is it any wonder the list of symptoms for female hysteria was so long, literally any ailment could fit the diagnosis? In those sexually repressed times visiting the doctor's office must have been like a trip to Disneyland for most women.

 Doctors of the day on the other hand were apparently, I don't know, gay or something since they actually objected to women's frequent desire to be "cured" by their magic fingers. Their solution to alleviate hand strain? They invented the vibrator,

Mans Shortsighted Nature

The difference between MTN and Etisalat is called SEASON.
MTN came to Nigeria at a time when nobody wanted to invest in Nigeria,
at a time when Nigerian did not have phones. Even Zenith Bank refused
to loan MTN cash to operate, UBA rejected MTN’s offer but today see
the difference.

At least we all know the story of the only civilian unelected
President in Nigeria- Goodluck Johnathan.
We know how the people said he was not going to be President, they
even made him acting-President. Today the rest is history.

What about Cowbell?
When they came to Nigeria, they made milk in a sachet, Peak was
laughing at them- they said Cowbell was milk for the poor- but they
were right! 3-million poor people could afford N10 a day for a sachet
of milk. Do the math…3-million people buying milk at N10- that was N30
million every single day. In a month they grossed N900-million (almost
N1- billion). Even Peak had to make sachet milk in order to survive in
the market.

So what have people told you? What have they said you cannot do, you
do not qualify for, you do not have experience for?
They told Cowbell, they told Goodluck, they told MTN but the story has
changed. I get the feeling that something is changing for you! Don’t
listen to what people are saying or what life is showing you….

Be steadfast in your ways. Pray for Gods grace and guidance. Do away with some friends and habits. Make some new purposeful friends who add value to your life. Man is a creature of habit. Thus, bad habits can be dropped for good ones. Feed your greed but know your limits. Always feel good about yourself. Watch yourself grow and flourish.

TGIF and have a fun-filled weekend.

My View of Lagos

"Good God, morning" or "Good moning, God!!" These statements always have conflicting effects on me each  morning. But whatever I may feel, I know it's always going to be another beautiful day on the streets of Lagos.

Take a look at the face of every single person walking on the street. What do you see? I see a lot of despair. I see pain. Some have even lost hope and are merely going through the motions. Hoping that each day would be better than the last.

Life shouldn't be this hard.

I see a megacity full of people. Survivors. A city where the inhabitants have developed skills of producing money in any currency from any substance they touch (or perceive).

What I find most interesting is that it is a city of hustlers.

We learn the ropes from our early days. These skills stay with us for the rest of our lives. Some channel their enery and skills positively, some negatively while others will always get played because they refused to walk the ropes early enough.

I need to catch the staff bus now. Be back in the next 1 hour.

Thank you for reading.

Mining Accident Kills 3 in Katsina State

Three local miners of laterite in Mai’adua Local Government Council Area of Katsina State have died after being trapped underground while three others sustained serious injuries. It took locals about two hours before the bodies were dug out of the ground.

An eyewitness said that the men were excavating laterite when unexpectedly the debris caved in. He said the three men that survived were the first to be rescued.

Commenting on the unfortunate incident, Chairman of Mai’adua Local Government Council, Engineer Abba Yusuf told newsmen that the council would take precautionary measures against a re-occurrence of the incident.

He warned locals to stop mining laterite until the council comes up with new rules.

The Scam - Part 1 (NEPA/PHCN)

Nigeria, the most populous black nation on planet Earth. Blessed with abundant human resources, natural resources and wild life. A country that has produced some of the best scholars, scientists, business moguls and atheletes in the entire world. Indeed, a great nation. How can a country so obviously blessed, seem so apparently cursed?

Picture this.................

• You spend a better part of the journey after work between your office and your home in a bar, for the simple reason of no light at home.
• Somehow, families living in "face me - I face you" apartments seem to have more kids and you wonder why.
• More young girls, from age 15yrs upwards have now been known to sleep with anyone for just any amount. While still living under their parents roof.
• Too many kids walking on the streets in certain areas because they have too many siblings and their one room apartment is too hot to contain all of them at once when there is no electricity.
• Everybody now has at least 2 jerricans just for fuel.
• Everyone has at least 2 generators.
• You cannot sleep at night because you have too many neighbours running noisy generators at the same time.
• There are more kids in viewing centers watching soccer matches because they don't have 'light' at home to read their books.

These scenerios are endless and they do not only apply to those living in abject penury. They apply to all of us living in this country.

This constant lack of electricity has led to population explosion, joblessness, increased promiscuity and a generation of dullards, hooligans, alcoholics and criminals.

Where other countries brag about having cities with blinding lights. It goes without saying that Nigeria is a country with no light. In other countries, families only rely on power generating sets (popularly called generators) as backup power supply. Usually switched on once or twice a year, when they are being serviced. My beloved country is one in which the parastal responsible for generating power for the entire country (PHCN/NEPA), has ensured that they provide power only as a source of backup to every family in the entire country. Each household is solely responsible for generating its own power. Yet, pay ridiculous monthly bills to PHCN.

A country with over 180million inhabitants kept in perpetual darkness. Month after Month. Held to ransom by the ineptitude of the those appointed to head PHCN, incompetence of PHCN/NEPA employees and insatiable greed of those in power in the Nigeria government.

Truthfully,

• When we were growing up they said we were the leaders of tomorrow. Now in our 20s, 30s and 40s, when will that tomorrow come?
• Why should modern day kids aim for a future as doctors, lawyers, engineers etc, when they can aim to be state governors, senators, ministers, presidents or even local government chairmen, councilors thieves and fraudsters????
• Why should we have power when we have oil???
• How else would the government exploit it's citizenry from the need to consume more refined fuel???
• Major importers of generators donate huge generators alongside monthly supply of diesel to 'those that matter'. Is it not to ensure that they stay in business and sell more??
• Isn't it ironic that even PHCN/NEPA offices run on generators??
• Why should Foreign investors be encouraged to start up companies or invest in already existing companies? Is it so they can share their investments with the already corrupt head(s) of such companies and the government.
• Why should those entrusted with the duties of investigating the gross inefficiency of the power sector be involved in mismanagement of billions of naira???
• Why don't we have light when we have abundant skilled and unskilled labour.
• Why don't we have light when we have water, the sun, coal and wind???
• Why.....................

I am truly compelled to take down all the PHCN wires in my house and solely depend on my generators, or acquire the more expensive inverters or solar energy.

Nigeria, with her wide array of underexploited mineral resources which include columbite, tantalite, bitumen, uranium, natural gas, coal, bauxite, gold, tin, iron ore, limestone, niobium, lead and zinc. Despite huge deposits of these natural resources, the mining industry in Nigeria is still almost non-existent. With the country depending majorly on a fast depleting oil reserve.

I love Nigeria this I know.

"I pledge to Nigeria my country". That much I know too.... If tomorrow ever comes, then I might decide to abide by the rest of the National pledge.

God bless you, God bless me and God bless the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Written by Tony Obijeih @tonyobj

Fake Naija Currency Printed in Australia

Counterfeit Naira Printed In Australia During Soludo’s Era At The Central Bank Of Nigeria
Culled from Sahara Reporters

caption: Charles Soludo
PM News, lagos
The police in Australia have been told how the Nigerian currency notes, the naira, were printed illegally by a firm in that country during the era of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo as the Central Bank Governor. Soludo was replaced last year by Lamido Sanusi.

An Australian newspaper, The Age, reports that three former workers at The Reserve Bank of Australia’s currency firm, Securency, told the police that the firm produced millions of partly made Nigerian banknotes without authorisation from the Nigerian authorities, a practice former staff of the firm described as effective counterfeiting.

The newspaper reports that the Australian Federal Police, AFP, have been investigating Securency for the past 17 months over its alleged bribery of foreign officials, including Nigerian and Vietnamese officials, to win contracts in these countries.

The Australian Federal Police were told by three former staff members that the RBA company produced banknote substrate – the unique base material used to make banknotes - belonging to at least three countries, including Nigeria and Vietnam, without formal orders from their central banks.

Government sources have said that among the potentially explosive evidence uncovered by the AFP are documents suggesting a senior trade official engaged in highly unethical behaviour to help win Securency contracts overseas.

Ministers, including Treasurer Wayne Swan, and RBA governor Glenn Stevens have repeatedly refused to comment on the scandal. Securency’s board is chaired by an assistant bank governor.

The AFP has been told by former Securency employees that the unauthorised banknote substrate was stored at the company’s Craigieburn headquarters or off-site – including at a facility with poor security – in the hope that it would eventually be ordered.

Three former Securency employees aware of the practice, and who have all given statements or been debriefed by the AFP, said the practice was highly improper but was done so the company could falsely claim it was meeting production and sales targets.

When P.M.NEWS contacted the Coporate Affairs Head of Central Bank of Nigeria, Mohammed Abdullahi, this morning, he said “it was impossible,” adding that the report “is sheer balderdash.” He declined to speak further.

Due to fears of counterfeiting and currency manipulation, firms that make banknotes can usually only do so after receiving an order from a central bank.

The unauthorised substrate production also suggests that the senior company executives who ordered it did so because they may have been aware of corrupt back-room deals struck with foreign officials who had promised to make future orders.

In an AFP witness statement, one of the former employees stated that they had been told by Securency managers that doing an unauthorised print run ”would constitute counterfeiting”.

Despite this, the witness said that they were told in 2008 to begin the unauthorised Nigerian substrate production using an expired production order number.


The AFP statement says: ”Substrate was never produced without a valid customer order. However, on one occasion during August or September 2008, production received a direction from (chief executive) Myles Curtis to produce substrate for Nigerian currency, the 20 naira denomination, in the absence of a customer order.”

The employee said that staff protested several times about doing the unauthorised print run on the basis that it was highly unethical and potentially illegal. But they said that Securency management told them that ”the production would go ahead regardless”.

In the police statement, the witness says they believed that the unauthorised print run was ordered so the firm’s board – which includes senior RBA officials, including deputy governor Bob Rankin – could be told the company was meeting sales and production targets.

”I believe that the decision by management to produce substrate without an order was made on the basis that the second production line was operating below capacity,” the AFP statement says.

The witness statement also reveals that Securency stored the Nigerian substrate in a facility with poor security, a concern shared by two other Securency employees.

”On several occasions, I raised concerns about what I regarded as the lack of security at the storage facility where the Nigerian substrate was stored. I also had concerns about the transporting of the substrate.”

The witness states that dissent was not tolerated at Securency. ”Securency was tightly controlled by a clique of senior managers. If an employee was outside of this clique and questioned company practices, he or she would likely be quickly terminated.”

Two other former Securency employees told The Age they had spoken to the federal police about their concerns that the company had engaged in quasi counterfeiting.

The AFP refused to comment on its inquiry into Securency, which features 20 full-time officers and spans several continents. It has previously stated it is examining whether the firm’s executives engaged in foreign bribery by paying multimillion-dollar commissions to middlemen Securency hired to influence foreign officials to give the firm banknote contracts.

Securency managing director Mr. Curtis and company secretary John Ellery departed earlier this year after the RBA conducted an audit of Securency’s activities that found almost $50 million had been paid between 2003 and 2009 to overseas middlemen.

50

I have enormous tracts of land and vast volumes of water, but cannot feed myself.
So I spend $1 billion to import rice and another $2 billion on milk.
I produce rice, but don’t eat it. I have millions of cows but no milk.
I am 50, please celebrate me..


I drive the best cars in the world but have no roads,
so I crush my best brains in the caverns,
craters and crevasses they crash into daily.
I am in unending mourning, please celebrate me.


My school has no teacher and my classroom has no roof.
I take lectures through windows and live with 15 others in one room.
All my professors have gone abroad, and the rest are awaiting visas.
I am a university graduate, but I am illiterate.
I want a future, please celebrate me.


Preventable diseases send me to hospitals without doctors, medicines or power.
All the nurses have gone abroad and the rest are waiting to go also.
I have the highest maternal and infant mortality rates in the world;
and future generations are dying before me.
I am hopeless, hapless and helpless, please celebrate me.


For democracy’s sake I stood all day on Election Day.
But before I could ink my thumb, results had been broadcast.
When I dared to speak out, silence was enthroned by bullets.
My leaders are my oppressors, and my policemen are my terrors.
I am ruled by men in mufti, but I am not a democracy.
I have no verve, no vote, no voice, please celebrate me.


My youth have no past, present nor future.
So my sons in the North have become street urchins;
and his brothers in the South have become kidnappers.
My nephews die of thirst in the Sahara and his cousins drown in the Mediterranean.
My daughters walk the streets of Lagos , Abuja and Port Harcourt;
while her sisters parade the streets of Rome and Amsterdam .
I am grief-stricken, please celebrate me.


Pen-wielding bandits have raided everything in my vaults.
They walk the land with haughty strides and fly the skies with private planes
They have looted the future of generations unborn;
and have money they cannot spend in several lifetimes,
but their brothers die of starvation.
I want a kit of kindness, please celebrate me.


I can produce anything, but import everything..
So my toothpick is made in China; my toothpaste is made in South Africa;
my salt is made in Ghana; my butter is made in Ireland;
my milk is made in Holland; my shoe is made in Italy;
my vegetable oil is made in Malaysia*** my biscuit is made in Indonesia;
my chocolate is made in Turkey and my table water made in France.
My taste is far-flung and foreign, please celebrate me.
*** To think that Malaysia came to NIFOR in Edo State in the 70's to acquire the Palm Oil Technology?
INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!

My land is dead because all the trees have been cut down;
flooding kills thousands yearly because the drainages are clogged;
my fishes are dead because the oil companies dump waste in my rivers;
my communities are vanishing into the huge yawns of gully erosion, and nothing is being done.
My very existence is uncertain and
I am in the deepest depths of despondence, please celebrate me.


I have genuine leather but choose to eat it...
So I spend billions of dollars to import fake leather.
I have four refineries, but prefer to import fuel,
so I waste more billions to import petrol. I have no security in my country,
but send troops to keep peace in another man’s land.
I have hundreds of dams, but no water.
So I drink ‘pure’ water that roils my innards.
I need a vision, please celebrate me.


I have a million candidates craving to enter universities,
but my dungeons can only accommodate a tenth.
I have no power, but choose to flare gas,
so my people have learnt to see in the dark and stare at the glare of naked flares.
I am shrouded by darkness, please celebrate me.


For my golden jubilee,
I shall spend 16 billion naira to bash around the bonfires of the banal.
So what if the majority gaze at my possessed, frenzied dance;
drenched in silent tears, as probity is enslaved in democracy’s empty cellars?
I am profligacy personified, please celebrate me.


Why can I not simply reflect and ponder?
Does my complexion cloud the colour of my character?
Does my location limit the lengths my liberty?
Does the spirit of my conviction shackle my soul
Does my mien maim the mine of my mind?
And is failure worth celebrating?
I AM NIGERIA, PLEASE CELEBRATE ME
GOOD PEOPLE, GREAT COUNTRY, GREATLY MISGOVERNED


GOD BLESS NIGERIA!!!!!

New Mexico Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.


Frank: Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.


CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting dried ground pepper. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting plastered from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

   
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. 

This 300lb woman is starting to look HOT ... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 -- #Noreport

The Call

"Hello."
"Hi my name is Amaka."
"Amaka?"
" We met at your place of work."
"Hey!!!!!!! Amaka. How now?"
"Fine oooooooo. I'm somewhere in your area. Are you at home?"

At this point, I become very confused. Do I say yes or no or make-up an excuse why we shouldn't be seen together during the day. Much more people see her coming out of my house. My neighbours already know I'm irresponsible. She's got a great body. No doubt. But the face....... Whoopie Goldberg finne pass am by far. This kind of runs na strictly night runs.

What should I do?

Prospecting

Today I woke-up feeling like a rockstar. In all truthfulness, I was merely feeling lazy. Why do I always feel like this when it's time to go to work?

Eventually, I got to work sometime past noon. Had some chitchat with my boss, then....... SHAZAM....... she walks in. This girls got the sexiest legs and hips and the chest is plenty to write home about.

Anyways, I'm sure I must have undressed her with my eyes a zillion times from the feet upwards before finally getting to the face.
All in all....... let's just say she's got the body of a goddess. The face........ well somewhere far from heaven..

She must have noticed, for she smiled....... ooo that smile.... how could I ever forget. My life would make more meaning if Whoopie Goldberg had smiled at me.

Out of courtesy, I decided to introduce myself. "Hi my name is Tony." Then, she replied, "Amaka". I told her how wonderful she looked. We exchanged digits and that was it.

Two days later, I got a call ...........