Mazi Abe Idris©

.......In April, I was slumming it with my pals at one buka in Itire, Surulere.

It was those kind of bukas that sell beer on the side, so we were  having a real go at it, beering and eating at the same time, having a big laugh an' all.

The gist got round to stuff about London and we were all going yak yak yak...

The London talk seemed to have caught the attention of some puff puff cheeked Lady seated across from my own bench, because she suddenly started starring at me.

I ignored the looku looku and continued the jives with my homies.

Then suddenly "eskiss me, were you in London before?"

I looked up from my plate of àbulá and it was Sisi Puff Puff...

I hesitated, pausing my shàkí onigba'we in mid-air, before I answered her.

"Erm..... erm... erm.. yesh ma" I whispered back to her, as if I was ashamed of my answer. I quickly put the waiting shàkí away into my mouth.

She seemed to catch on to my hesitation and 'embarrassment'

With one sweep of her aproko eyes, she took in my non-ironed polo-neck top, my torn dirty jeans and #100 Naira bathroom slippers of two different colours.

I was now licking the gbegiri soup off my hand hungrily, casting furtive glances at her own plate, filled with all the randabats and ponmó junctions in Lagos.

I could see the pity in her eyes, as she juggled in her mind whether to push her plate of meat towards me.

I smiled up at her, wiping some imaginary catarrh off my sniffling nose with the short sleeve of my dirty top.

It was too much to bear for Ms aproko.

She leaned over our wooden table, whispering conspiratorially:

"My brother, don't you worry, I understand your situation. I was deported myself, 5 years ago.

"In the beginning,It was rough for me. I suffered, jus like you are suffering now, but I persevered. Finally, I made it"

I wiped an imaginary tear away with my clean hand.

Me, I was eyeing her pepper soaked stock fish quietly, as she continued to jabò anyhow.

She seemed to follow my gaze, because she slowly smiled with understanding and pushed her plate towards me. I grabbed the pánlá! and started chewing,  as I continued listening to Madam Theresa preaching.

All my yèyé friends who had been watching the unfolding drama with quiet amusement, burst into noisy laughter, falling over themselves.

"Abe Jand!! you don crase, walahi!" Wole, my cousin smacked me playfully across the head.

"Haaaa! Itzz not good to laugh at him o....no condition is permanent"  my new benefactor chided them.

My friends were in tears with laughter! Yeye boys.

The laughter got riotous when I reached over for another cow foot from my new best friend's meat buffet dish.

"These yèyé boys wee knock my job o" I mused to myself.

"Jesus is your saviour, my darling" she comforted me again.

Darling ké? Chai! I don hammer!

"These ones you sit here with are not your friends o.

"Look at the way they are dressed and look at you" she pointed at Mohammed's, my gateman's slippers I had quickly taken off him, when Wole pulled up outside the house in his American Lincoln Jeep.

I was about to do a Fayose-crying-on TV performance when she patted me on the thigh and whispered again:

"Look, take my card and call me later. Ok? I haff to go now"

She leaned over again to pass me her business card and I had to quickly avert my eyes as her twin heaving mountains threatened to spillover onto my face.

I moved my face closer "thank you ma, I wee call you as soon as I get rid of these animals" nodding at my alakoba friends.

"Mama, how much is my food? I am paying for my man's food too"

Haaaaaa! Osheyyy! 😍😍😍

"Aaah! they deported all of us together ni o!!" my guys shouted in unison. 😂😂😂

"Ok, later niyen, my dear" as she rolled her G-wagon out of the buka, her driver having already pulled up on cue, in an AC chilled 4x4. Śege!

"Omo, you don chop be that o!" Wole slapped me on the back. "Na you dey untidy pass among us, an' na you come win las las. London boy wayo!"

.......After another three or four bottles of Orijin®, I no even know where I throway the business card sef.

Though I suspect.......erm,.......

Good morning and may you jam luck in your humble ways this weekend ☕️☕️🙏🏾

©Mazi Abe Media 2018.