Questions and Answers on Relationships - Part II

BY FUNMI AKINGBADE 

 

1. Should female genital mutilation be a reason for divorce

I am a regular reader of your column. I am married and circumcised. Recently I have to remove my clitoris through a surgical operation due to an infection that I had contacted during circumcision in my infancy. This has made me hate sex I do not know what to do, should I opt for divorce?

Josephine putu

I understand your predicament. However, you can adopt other options, instead of outright divorce. First, you have to let your husband know your condition and the effect of genital mutilation on your sex life. Both of you can arrive at how to best satisfy your sexuality, such as prolonging fore-play and also making use of non-sensitive lubricants, as well as taking time out to practise pelvic wall exercise. All these will definitely make a lot of difference.

2. The thoughts of another man’s penis entering my wife detest me

I have been married for about eight years. My wife and I both got married as virgins but now with kids. Sometime in 2010, I was transferred from Oyo to Abia, while my wife and children stayed back in Oyo. I was transferred back to Oyo after a year and life continued. A year after, something happened between my wife and I and I asked her whether she had ever had sex outside the matrimonial home. She was quiet and with utmost shock, she said “Yes”. I was devastated. According to her, she had an affair with unmarried guy while I was away to Abia. She said the guy was always around at difficult times especially when the children fell sick at night or during some school runs. I was disappointed and shattered. However, because I love her and the fact that I am a Christian, I immediately forgave her and assured her that the incident would not affect my love for her. I found it easy to forgive her not because I had ever cheated on her, but because I love her.

The problem I have now is the constant intimidating thoughts of why she cheated on me while I was away only for few months. The thoughts of another man’s penis entering my wife detest me mostly when we make love, I imagine the other guy caressing my wife’s intimate parts and discharging in her. It is sad. I wish I can get rid of these thoughts, but they keep coming back. My wife and I are still best of friends and great lovers; in fact, we make love more regularly than before and we enjoy each other’s company. But the thought of another man ever touching and making love to her makes me hate her sometimes. The question is this: Am I normal?

Adeola Paul

I want to thank and appreciate your mature approach to this issue by forgiving your wife completely. Few men fall into this category.  You really deserve an award for that. And l want to say that you are perfectly normal and nothing is wrong with you at all. It is just the devil that is trying to magnify the issue and making you to unduly dwell on such thoughts just to destroy your home. The truth is that you are feeling this way because you are aware of the incident but if she hid the truth from you, life would still continue even though the deed has been done. I will plead with you never to give devil such privilege to torment you. There are practical steps you have to take to release yourself from this hold and they are: First, do all you can to put your thought under the control of your will. Tell yourself ‘I will think positively’ and any time such negative thought comes, reject it immediately because the heart of a matter is the matter of the heart. Then tell God to help you to carry out your will because where there is a will, there is always a way, whatever your mind can conceive your mind can achieve it. Do not forget that where your attention goes the power flows. I would also suggest taking your wife along with you when you are placed on a long transfer. People differ when it comes to staying away from sex for longer period.

3. My wife just lay-in-state like a log of wood

My greatest challenge is that my wife wants our sex life to be different, better, hotter but she blames me for not flying her into the moon. Whereas she herself just lay-in-state like a log of wood. I am frustrated and discouraged. Must it always be the man taking the lead? I work to provide to make sure the home front is in shape, can’t she just for once treat me like a baby so I don’t feel being used in everything?

Desmond Friday

This is the most common mistake many wives make that may keep their relationship from experiencing the sexual pleasure the marriage deserves. When a wife has a stereotype idea that guys must make the first sex move all the time, it can become a habit that may push the man off sex. Most husbands hate being the one who has to decide when and if you should have sex. Resolve to take the lead. If you’re shy, start by flirting. Don’t be angry or hurt if he’s too tired or stressed try again. Never forget that guys are visual creatures even when dead tired, they still respond mostly to visual stimulation. Make sexy lingerie your night uniform.